Lifeless
by sithmaster56a
Summary: Hitsugaya feels lifeless and numb after Matsumoto left soul society. So he tries to change that. Songfic lifeless 12 stones. HitsuxMatsu.


First story in a while, first for bleach too and this one took me much longer then I hoped. I got the idea for it when I was listening to my mp3 one morning and began typing but then something happened and I didn't finish this for about a month. But here's the story kind of dark and gloomy but it's there.

* * *

Lifeless

Hitsugaya POV

_Desperate and waiting, frozen to the core  
Numb to these feelings, needing something more  
All I keep thinking is where I need to be  
All I can hope for is someone to take me away_

I stare blankly at the wall waiting for it to end, the woman beneath writhing as we continue.

I don't love her she doesn't love me.

I barely even know she's there.

The end comes and I know why we're having sex.

I love someone else and I'm trying to fill the void.

She loves someone and is doing this because she doesn't know that she really loves him.

We separate I get up and go to the bathroom to shower.

The water is helping me to think.

The woman is Nemu. Hmm I haven't slept with her before.

The slight feeling of happiness I get from the thought of a new experience is thrown away as I look at myself in the mirror and feel the void that has developed in me.

"Hitsugaya-Taichou I really enjoyed this." Nemu says wrapped in the sheets from the bed.

"I hope we can do this…"

I brushed past her and started to get dressed.

"Hitsugaya-Taichou… wh-what's the matter?" She stuttered nervously.

I stopped and looked at her. "You love him." I said simply feeling the void in me ache for someone. I knew who that someone was.

"I-I don't kn-know what…" she replied.

"Don't bother I know you love him, whoever 'he' is I don't particularly care. Nemu you are going to go to the man you love and tell him that you do."

I walked out with my uniform on and completely ignored the crying I heard as I walked out.

I didn't even know why she was crying.

I need to be with her again.

The void is getting deeper.

_Before you go you promise me something,  
I need to know, will you leave me lifeless?  
Leaving me lifeless_

I sat in the office doing my paper work.

I stared at the one thing that reminded me of her.

The couch.

I wasn't even there when she left me.

I was in a coma after Halibel decided that blowing a hole in me wasn't enough.

And like the naive boy I thought I had stopped being.

I thought that having only a hole in my stomach was enough to kill her.

I did it only just but only after the vizard gave me an opening.

"Sir I'll get you something to drink once I drop off the paper work." My new lieutenant said as he got up and left.

"Alright Minato off you go." I replied before getting back to reminiscing.

I woke up three weeks later and Unohana told me that we had won.

I had smiled and had told her to tell Masumoto I would sort out the paper work when I got back, then she could go celebrate.

Unohana had lost her smile and had given me two letters one from yammato the other from 'Masumoto Rangiku to captain of the 10th'. She wasn't a lieutenant anymore.

She had been assigned to the human world. That was what yammato's letter said.

_Her_ letter I kept in my captains' uniform or when it needed to be washed in my desk draw.

Anyway back to work.

_Will I bow down to this life that I live?  
Will I find freedom or lose it all again?  
All I keep thinking is where I need to be  
all I can hope for is someone to take me away_

The Arrancar slashed at me again.

I blocked it and then caught it with my chain.

The Arrancar froze and I turned to fight the hollows that were with it.

Then a stray thought crossed my mind.

Masumoto's on her way here.

I smiled and felt the felt the void shrinking slightly.

But I then felt another pain.

Though this came from the claw that just priced my stomach.

I looked down at it. Not quite realising that I had just been stabbed and could die.

That was secondary to what I need to do. I have to see Masumoto.

I turned toward the hollow.

I killed it with a low level kido.

It was so close it didn't really matter about the strength of it.

'**Foolish boy! You're going to die!'**

I heard run through my head as I was slashed by another hollow.

I killed it but that was it for me.

_Before you go you promise me something,  
I need to know, will you leave me lifeless?  
Time moves so slow, I'm waiting for something,  
waiting for something again_

"Hitsugaya-kun you know I much prefer it when you are on your feet." Unohana said to me, smiling cheekily.

"Yes well I don't have the strength to lift you right now perhaps when I feel better." I replied.

"Rangiku-san was the one who kept you safe after the hollows started to retreat. You should thank her." Unohana said her eyes slightly narrowed as she looked at him.

"I would have preferred not to have embarrassed myself by having her watch my shredded carcase." I gave an old monotone response.

"Yes well here are your personal effects." She handed me the letter.

"Thank you Retsu-Chan." I replied.

"By the way. I think you should go to her just like you told Nemu and Isane to go to them. You should do the same." Unohana said.

"I don't know what you mean." I replied and instantly realised that I had just denied that I love Masumoto.

She didn't reply but just looked at me with her usual smile.

She gave me a cup of water and left me.

I stared at the water.

'**Toshiro you need to leave and make her your mate.'** Hyourinmaru said in my head.

Why should I? I have people here I need to look after?

'**Toshiro all those you cared for are further away from you then ever.'**

No their all still there.

'**Are they? I thought all you did these days were your job and slept with the women of this place.'**

I didn't reply.

'**She's all you have.'**

_Will I fall away from you,  
Feelings that I never knew  
And I hope that I never fall away_

It was late and I had been staring at her letter for the last six hours.

I had read it before.

But it had been nagging at my mind.

I opened it and read it again:

"_Toshiro_

_I'm calling you that because well I guess I just don't want us to be together as captain and lieutenant. We were close friends we have told each other a few things that we don't want others to know. I had gin and I don't anymore I'm not sure when we stopped being as close as we had been but it was before he left. I wish I could have been more serious around you. I first thought that we could be the way we had always been but after he left and you brought Kira to drink with me and you just sat there till we stopped. I felt like if you left I would have drowned in the sake. When Luppi knocked you down all that time ago… I didn't care what happened to me I just wanted to be with you. The reason I'm saying this is I'm leaving I'm going to the human world for permanent assignment to ensure that soul society is kept aware of the situation and that there is always a permanent presence. I proposed this because I can't be with you the way we are now. Soul society holds a lot of pain for me and you and I can't stay. But we won't be together again I can't watch you throw yourself at death not anymore. I will wait for eternity for you here._

_I love you Toshiro"_

"I love you too Rangiku." I said aloud closing the letter.

She was right I always charged at things head first because I lost my temper or…

Deep down I knew I was going to get myself killed.

I didn't realise it then but when I was fighting I was more prepared to die then I was to live.

_Will I fall away from you,  
Feelings that I never knew  
And I hope that I never fall away_

"Why do you want to retire Hitsugaya-Taichou?" the soutaichou asked me as I stood before him in what little clothing I had that wasn't uniform.

"I feel I am a danger to those under my command and the souls we are meant to protect. I had time to review how I have been the past 8 years and have realised that I stopped being good at my job when Aizen's betrayal was in motion. I have lost confidence in my abilities and feel that my men would be better off with a different captain." I said.

I could feel the weight I didn't feel before now fall away.

"Very well Hitsugaya you are herby stripped of your rank and are to live out the rest of your life here in-"

"No in the human world. I can't stay here it will remind me of my failures and I want to leave this all behind me." I said cutting him off.

I would go to human by myself if I had to but I would not be away from Rangiku any longer.

The old Shinigami glared at me a little.

That meant he disagreed.

"I think we should let him soutaichou-sama he hasn't got any reason to be here other than his position." Shunsui spoke up.

"I agree it would be pointless for him to stay here if he has no reasons too." Ukitake agreed.

I knew those two would support it… luckily.

The other captains agreed.

I felt a warm feeling I hadn't felt for a long time.

_Before you go you promise me something,  
I need to know, will you leave me lifeless?  
Time moves so slow, I'm waiting for something,  
Waiting for something_

I packed all I had or needed into a couple of bags and realised I had more room in my bags then I needed for my things.

What have I done with myself all this time?

It doesn't matter.

I'm leaving.

**Finally!**

Yeah I know.

I reached the portal to the human world and found my entire division and the captains and lieutenants', excluding the 1st divisions, had come to see me off.

They all patted me on the shoulder or gave me hugs.

"I'm happy that you've finally decided to go back there Hitsugaya-san. I'm sure Masumoto-san can help you adjust to your new life." Nanao said as she gave me a hug and a book to read.

I was let go of and then entered the gate and left for the human world.

_Leave me lifeless  
Leave me lifeless  
Leave me lifeless_

I appeared in the basement of Urahara's shop and the first person I saw was Rangiku.

She smiled at me and was about say something if I hadn't dropped my bags and pulled her into a kiss.

The void was going away and being filled with the heart that yearned for Rangiku.

It was a bit embarrassing since Ichigo and co were there and the kiss even though it had a lot of passion. It didn't have much skill in it due to the fact I was so nervous about seeing her again.

I think I was a little more surprised at myself for just kissing her right away.

The odd part was where I lost my balance and fell on my arse.

Every other then Masumoto and me went from awkward silence to awkward silence with restrained laughter.

She broke it first when she burst out laughing at me on the floor so everyone joined in.

"Masumoto!" I shouted. Just like old times.

"Yes! Captain!" she saluted and stood up straight. Causing me to laugh at her for doing it after 8 years.

The void was gone and I hoped it never came back. As tears of relief and happiness fell down my cheeks.

After everyone settled down, me and Masumoto went to the apartment she had and held each other till we fell asleep with smiles on our faces and tear stains on our faces.

* * *

lifeless by 12 stones

I can't do endings!  
I think the ending could be better. if someone writes me a better one i'll add it in but i think my start and middle were quite good.


End file.
